


put down your hands

by saltstreets



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Honesty!, Episode Tag, Gen, M/M, Post-Episode 97, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:48:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23029600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltstreets/pseuds/saltstreets
Summary: "We know you, Essek," says Jester, and that might be the last straw. He has to force himself not to shudder when Caleb reaches out to touch his face.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss & Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 10
Kudos: 249





	put down your hands

**Author's Note:**

> POSTING THIS QUICK BEFORE IT’S ALL JOSSED IN A FEW HOURS…a little attempt at getting into Essek’s head during the events of episode 97! To be entirely honest, I’m still slightly suspicious of him. The ‘surround myself with friends’ line was worryingly mercenary. But regardless I think he does genuinely like Our Heroes, so we shall see!
> 
> Shadowgast-y but mildly so. It can decidedly be read as gen if you prefer- adjust shipping goggles as necessary. 
> 
> Title is from I'll Be Your Mirror cos I think it's funny C:

Essek had known, obviously, that during this process he would likely catch sight of the Nein. Might have to speak to them, even. But he just hadn't expected them to appear so soon, so without warning. Though in hindsight, knowing them and their ways, he shouldn't have been surprised at all.

But it still hits him hard. Hard enough that before he can stop himself he recoils. He sees Caduceus twitch one sedate eyebrow and knows that the reaction has not gone unnoticed. He sees an immediate shuttering of Caleb's previously cautiously open expression, and knows that he has been marked with a brilliant red flag. Essek swallows the desire to swear loudly, and affixes a polite smile to his face.

He’s done so much to get to this point. It cannot -it _cannot-_ be ruined just because he feels guilty _._ He is astounded with himself and yet there it is.

He escapes as soon as he can.

When the Mighty Nein arrive at the party Essek has to once again bite back a curse. It's bad enough that they've entered the chamber just as larger-than-life and bombastic as always, but on top of that every last one of them is dressed to the- well, to the absolute nines. He notices, too, with a jolt, that Nott the little goblin has vanished, to be replaced with a halfling woman who is the exact image of the disguise Nott had cast the day that Caleb had attempted the failed spell in Essek's tower. Failed no more, it would seem. He feels both happy for his friends, and disappointed that he cannot go to them to congratulate Nott on her transformation and Caleb on his magical prowess, to ask how the ritual had proceeded and to learn what had been achieved to lift the block or hex or whatever it had been that had stopped it in the first place. He wants to know what they've been doing. The evening at their home, with his feet in the hot tub and the cheese platter being passed around as the group had enthusiastically poked and prodded into every aspect of his life and, most shocking of all, Essek _hadn't minded_ , seems so very long ago.

He wants to talk to them. He wants to talk to them more than anything, seeing them here, and maybe Essek is biased because he knows them, but the group instantly looks to be the most interesting people in the room. But at the same time he needs to be as far from them as he possibly can.

So naturally, everything goes to shit the moment that Jester bounds into view. Say what you please about the Mighty Nein, but they certainly have a way of ruining all the best laid plans.

He has been on the receiving end of suspicion from these people he has come to think of as friends. Of cajoling and persuasion, of wheedling and comfort, of honesty and fondness. He has never been threatened by them before. The fact that said threats are laced with disappointment make them all the more effective. The fact that they quickly make way for appeals to his better nature, whatever that may be…

"We know you, Essek," says Jester, and that might be the last straw. He has to force himself not to shudder when Caleb reaches out to touch his face.

The elegant sleeve of Caleb’s long robe has slipped down about Caleb's wrist and Essek can see the pale white scars that lace his arms. Caleb has not told him precisely what these scars result from, but Essek doesn't need to be a genius to guess that they are a product of his past, the same past he speaks of now. And Essek is a genius anyways. Knowing that the scars are there lends all the more weight to what Caleb says to him, and all the more honesty to his plea that Essek listen. 

And so he does. He listens. Even when the conversation turns distinctly to a more brusque, goal-orientated interrogation, he listens.

They start back to the party, as quickly as they can without seeming to rush and breaking off into smaller pairs so as not to be a single large group. Essek returns to his illusory self, and sees how the group -if not winces, then at least stiffens- when he does so. He keeps his head down as he strides across the gangplank to the waiting dock.

There is a tense hum in the air despite events ending far more peaceably than he could have dared hope- and despite Nott’s bold pronouncement a few moments ago, he can still sense Yasha’s calm, immoveable gaze on his back.

He tries not to think about the worst case scenario that might have played out this night, and falls into step beside Caleb.

Essek is stoic. He prides himself on being able to keep his own counsel, and never need a second opinion. It’s a sure and worrying sign of just how much these people have got to him that he can barely keep his mouth shut for a minute after departing the ship, before he needs to put voice to the thought that has been nagging at him since his interrogation had begun.

"You already knew, didn't you," he says, not quite looking at Caleb. He doesn't know if he will ever be able to look any of these people in the eye for a long time after this. 

"Knew what?"

"That I was here. In disguise. It wasn't any accident that you uncovered me."

Caleb shifts beside him, the pattern of his footfalls changing slightly. "Well, I suppose we weren't very good at pretending otherwise. We truly- it wasn't the initial plan to confront you so soon. Definitely not in the middle of the party. But you know us, our plans have a tendency of...turning into new plans very quickly."

Essek risks a glance at Caleb to see his face twisted in a wry mix of exasperation and fondness. 

"But to answer your question, yes. We knew. Since meeting on the ship the other day. We thought it prudent to watch the Martinet and we- well, my cat, took the liberty of spying when he spoke to you after we left that first day. The Martinet cast something, presumably to thwart a Scry." 

"And my illusion dropped. I recall." So they had known almost immediately after seeing him. And he had run from them so quickly. Essek feels vaguely ill. "You must have hated me. You must still hate me."

Caleb looks over at Essek quickly, a hardness in his eye. "Essek," he says firmly, "I won't lie to you and say that I didn't feel like the worst fool that had ever been taken in, when I realised that you had been the mole all along. I won't say I wasn't angry, after all the talk about trust on both sides, and us wanting- wanting the same thing, and- yes, we all were angry, I think. But you also should know that not for a moment did we, did any of us, truly consider taking any action before we could ask you to explain yourself. Jester was ready to send you message immediately asking for answers. We wanted, and still want, to trust you. _I_ want to trust you."

Despite his earlier self-castigating Essek can do nothing _but_ meet Caleb's gaze. Head on. Maybe it’s for the best.

"When I called you friend before," Caleb continues, "okay, perhaps I was trying to guilt-trip you a little bit. But I was also being honest. You have become our friend, perhaps against your wishes, but it doesn't change the fact that you are, and it doesn't stop just because of this. Believe me, these people are very stubborn when they want to make friends."

"Your friendship was surprising," says Essek. "Is surprising. But that does not mean that it is unwanted. Or that I do not treasure it a great deal."

"I believe you," says Caleb easily. "You know why I believe you? It is like I said- I was you, not so long ago. I didn't think I wanted friends, and then when I had them I found I just couldn't do without them anymore. So yes. I know."

"I cannot explain to you how terrible I feel," Essek says lowly. It goes against everything he has been taught, to speak his thoughts and emotions so openly. The Mighty Nein value openness, he knows. When they had first decided that they trusted and liked him, they had always spoken with candour and blunt honesty. He tries it now. "I am not used to feeling beholden to people, and especially not when said people have asked so much of _me_ , and not petty requests either. Yet I feel I must make it all up to you somehow. If you will permit me."

"I would be a hypocrite of the highest order if I did not forgive you," Caleb says, and Essek notes that he had never asked for forgiveness, not during this whole affair, yet that is the word Caleb chooses. It fits far too well, and is offered far more gently than Essek deserves. "Like I said. I know exactly what you have done. What you are going through."

He takes Essek by the elbow, hand curling around narrow bone with an unexpectedly firm grip. The touch is warm and comforting, and steely. Essek’s throat constricts strangely.

"But Essek?"

"Yes?"

Caleb is smiling faintly. _Smiling!_ Something in Essek feels tremendously better to see it, something in him feels tremendously worse. _We've done nothing but show you kindness_ , Jester's plaintive voice floats through his head again. He couldn't argue with it then and he can't now. His skin still burns where Caleb's dry lips had pressed against his forehead.

"Don't do it again."


End file.
